When Bunnies Go Bad
by Agent ZephyrRowan MacAllister
Summary: Really crazy fic I wrote for an Easter fanfic challenge. Script format.


Title: When Bunnies Go Bad  
Author: Agent Zephyr  
E-Mail address: zephyr2@internetcds.com  
Rating: PG for graphic ketchup-related gore  
Category: X-File, Humor  
Spoilers: Uh none that I know of.  
Keywords: X-File, Humor, Easter, Script, Silly  
Disclaimers: Mulder and Scully aren't mine. They have simply been borrowed to star in my low-budget response to a fanfic challenge (How low budget? I couldn't even afford the monkeys with typewriters I wanted to have write this.). They will be returned, unharmed (though their resale value may be slightly lower), when I am through with them. If anyone complains, the redhead gets it! *evil laughter* Cadbury Eggs and any other Cadbury products belong to Cadbury (duh). Zephyr belongs to me, though (She is me!). If you would like to use her, ask first. MulderClone #62,809 is also mine, but I wouldn't have him if it weren't for MulderClones R Us (http://www.geocities.com/maybe_aa/mcru1.html). Lucky (in all her forms) belongs to herself. She's my best friend, and hasn't been informed of her involvement in this fic yet (the conversation with her is fictional). Shhh! Don't tell her!   
  
Summary: All Zephyr wanted to do was reply to an Easter fanfic challenge. But it just can't be that easy, can it? In response to The X-Files Kisses April Fanfic Challenge. Script format.  
  
Items that had to be included:  
McDonald's Take-out  
A Harley Davidson  
A copy of the cartoon movie "Hercules and Xena"  
A conversation via the Internet  
Fingernail clippings  
An autographed picture of Kenny Rogers  
A live lobster  
  
*********************************  
  
[A woman is sitting in her home, coloring Easter eggs with her daughter. An autographed photo of Kenny Roberts hangs above the mantle, fulfilling Zephyr's quota of spiffy expensive props. The woman gets up and enters the kitchen. The camera follows.]  
  
Daughter (in next room): [screams]  
  
[The woman runs back into the room. She sees her daughter lying dead in a puddle of blood. As kneels down next to her daughter, something small and white runs out of the room.]  
  
Small white blur: Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck... [fading into the distance]  
  
[Cut to opening credits]  
  
**********************************  
  
[The same house, several days later. The living room is marked off with that spiffy crime scene tape. There is a chalk outline where the girl's body once was (even though the house is carpeted).]  
  
[Appearing in the bottom left corner of the screen]  
Medford, OR  
April 9  
10:13 a.m.  
  
[Enter Mulder and Scully]  
  
Mulder: [surveying the crime scene] Something is wrong here, Scully.  
  
Scully: Well obviously...there isn't a shred of evidence.  
  
Mulder: No, not that. [Bends down and scoops up some of the blood on the floor, tasting it] Aha! Just as I thought! This is ketchup!  
  
Scully: Shhh! You idiot! This is a low budget fic! What did you expect, actual fake blood? We spent the money for the fake blood on the autographed Kenny Rogers photo so this fic would look professional. Just shut up and act like it's blood.  
  
Mulder: Why don't we just re-shoot the scene?  
  
Scully: We used up the money that was supposed to be for extra film on that bottle of ketchup.  
  
Mulder: Uh, okay...I guess this is a bad time to ask about our salary.  
  
Zephyr: [yelling from her offstage director's chair] Your salary is coming out of what I make from this fic! [camera swivels to reveal a frizzy-haired teenage girl dressed in an "I'm with Spooky" t-shirt, jeans, an "FBI" hat, and glasses.] You'd better get back to work unless you wish to be paid in pocket lint! And will somebody get me some decent coffee?  
  
MulderClone #62,809: [handing Zephyr an alien-shaped mug] Here you go. Mocha with a shot of almond, your usual. [quietly, so M & S can't hear] You're going to make money off of this fic?  
  
Zephyr: [snorts] No. They aren't getting paid, either. But they don't have to know that. See, they're back to work already.  
  
[camera swivels back to show a slightly disgruntled Mulder and Scully examining the crime scene. The distraught mother enters.]  
  
Mulder: Ma'am, we'd like to ask you a few questions.  
  
Distraught mother: Ma'am? I have a name, you know.  
  
Scully: I'm sorry, Mrs....  
  
Distraught mother: It's...it's...[looks puzzled] What *is* my name?  
  
Zephyr: [offstage] You don't have one. You're just a distraught mother. [to Mulder] Ma'am is fine.  
  
Mulder: All right, ma'am, what exactly happened the night of your daughter's death?  
  
Distraught mother: We were dying Easter eggs. I left the room for a moment, and I heard screaming. When I came back in, she was...she was...dead...lying in a pool of...ketchup! [starts crying]  
  
Mulder, Scully, and Zephyr: [together] BLOOD!  
  
Distraught mother: [stops crying] Sorry. Lying in a pool of...blood! [starts crying again]  
  
Mulder: Did you see anyone or anything?  
  
Distraught mother: I thought a saw something small and white run out of the room. And I heard a strange noise.  
  
Scully: What kind of noise, ma'am?  
  
Distraught mother: Clucking.  
  
Scully: Clucking?  
  
Distraught mother: [slowly and carefully, as if speaking to a child] Yes. Like a chicken...  
  
Scully: Do you own any chickens, ma'am?  
  
Distraught mother: Yes, but...  
  
Scully: Could it have been them?  
  
Distraught mother: Well maybe, but it wasn't...  
  
Mulder: [interrupting] Do you own any dogs, ma'am? Cats? Anything fluffy?  
  
Distraught mother: [looking at Mulder like he's crazy] No...why?  
  
Mulder: Then what could have left...[dramatic pause]...this? [bends down to pick up a small bunch of white fur]  
  
[Scully and the distraught mother stare in amazement. Music swells. The camera zooms in on the white fluff.]  
  
[Cut to commercials]  
  
**********************************  
  
[Outside the distraught mother's home. Mulder and Scully are examining the lawn for evidence.]  
  
Scully: What am I supposed to be looking for?  
  
Mulder: Beats me. Guess you didn't memorize the script, either.  
  
Scully: [grits teeth] What am I supposed to be looking for, *Mulder*?  
  
Mulder: [looks puzzled, then remembers his line] Tracks. Something to show us which way the killer went.  
  
Scully: How do we know which ones belong to the killer?  
  
Mulder: [has that "I-don't-want-to-tell-you-my-crazy-theory" look on his face]  
  
Scully: Mulder? Mulder, what are you hiding from me?  
  
Mulder: [looks down at the flower bed] Aha! [bends down and points to some small tracks]  
  
[Camera zooms in on the tracks. They aren't human. Music swells again.]  
  
Scully: Mulder, those are rabbit tracks.  
  
[Music falls flat. Camera zooms out.]  
  
Mulder: [triumphantly] Exactly! It proves my theory that the suspect is...  
  
[Music swells.]  
  
Scully: You don't mean...  
  
[Music swells louder. Mumbled complaints from underpaid musicians, who are "tired of swelling."]  
  
Mulder: THE EASTER BUNNY!  
  
[Music dies. Loud exclamations from offstage musicians.]  
  
Musicians: We quit!  
  
[Camera swivels to reveal Zephyr, who is trying desperately to reason with the musicians.]  
  
Zephyr: No! Please! I can't hire any new musicians! I spent the last of my budget on that coffee!  
  
[Camera swivels back to the actors. A message flashes across the bottom of the screen]  
  
Message: Due to circumstances beyond our control, the rest of this fanfic will have no music. We're sorry for any inconvenience.  
  
[Message disappears. Mulder and Scully resume the scene.]  
  
Scully: The Easter Bunny. [Sarcastically] Brilliant, Mulder.  
  
Mulder: I know!  
  
Scully: Why would the Easter Bunny want to kill a little girl? Wait a minute...the Easter Bunny doesn't even exist.  
  
Mulder: [gasps] How can you say that, Scully? He is real! He's tired of ungrateful people [shoots a dirty look at Scully] doubting his existence, yet still gobbling up the candy he brings them out of the *kindness* of his bunny heart...so he kills.  
  
Scully: Killed.  
  
Mulder: He will kill again. Once a bunny crosses the line, there's no turning back.  
  
Scully: This is ridiculous!  
  
Mulder: I know! I can't believe that society would drive a kind-hearted bunny to crime, either!  
  
Scully: I was referring to your theory.  
  
Mulder: Mark my words, Scully. You *will* believe before this case is through.  
  
[Cut to new scene.]  
  
[A woman is grocery shopping. She picks up a copy of the cartoon movie "Hercules and Xena" (the cheapest movie that the director could find), puts it in the cart, and heads for the Easter candy aisle. She picks up a bag of Marshmallow Peeps and ponders. They her eyes drift to the Cadbury Eggs. She almost takes one, then sees the Reese's Peanut Butter eggs and smiles. As she picks up a Reese's egg, something white and fluffy launches itself at her head. She screams, and blood, fluff, and Peeps fly everywhere. The white fluffy creature, which we now see is a bunny, runs off.]  
  
Bunny: [retreating] Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck...   
  
[Cut to commercial.]  
  
**********************************  
  
[Zephyr is typing on her computer. MulderClone #62,809 is massaging her shoulders. Camera zooms in on her conversation.]  
  
Message on bottom of screen: SCREEN NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.  
  
Luckystarz: Hi Zephyr!  
  
SpookyGirl: Hi Lucky!  
  
Luckystarz: How's that fic coming?  
  
SpookyGirl: Not so good. I'm having difficulties with the actors, the musicians quit, and I'm out of $$.  
  
Luckystarz: Ouch. I'm sorry.  
  
SpookyGirl: Yeah. Listen, can you come down here and help me out? I need all the help I can get.  
  
Luckystarz: Ok cool I'll be there in a sec.  
  
[There is a big, impressive looking "poof," and Lucky appears. Actually, a techie throws some baby powder in the air and Lucky runs onstage. MulderClone #62,809 looks startled. Zephyr and Lucky hug, then Zephyr logs off of her computer and they head over to work on the fic.]  
  
Zephyr: Action!  
  
[Camera swivels to reveal Mulder and Scully in the supermarket we saw earlier. The aisle is covered in ketch- er, blood, fluff, and Peeps. The woman's body lies face down, the Reese's egg still clutched in her hand.]  
  
Innocent bystander: I saw it all! A little white rabbit jumped off the shelf and attacked her! It was horrible! Horrible! Ketchup went everywhere!  
  
Mulder, Scully, Zephyr, and Lucky: BLOOD!  
  
Innocent bystander: Oh. Blood went everywhere!  
  
Mulder: Which way did the rabbit go?  
  
Innocent bystander: If you seek to follow the bunny, death awaits you with POINTY LITTLE TEETH!  
  
[Kazoo music swells. Puzzled cameraman turns around. Camera swivels to reveal Lucky playing the kazoo.]  
  
Cameraman: I thought we had spent our budget.  
  
Zephyr: [turns red and mumbles]  
  
Cameraman: What?  
  
Zephyr: [irritably] I said I put the frickin' kazoo on layaway!  
  
[Camera swivels back to the Mulder and Scully. Cameraman can be heard snickering in the background.]  
  
Mulder: [walking towards the back of the store] Scully, we have to find that bunny before he kills again! [Turns around to face Scully, who is following him, and lowers his voice] If we don't stop him, this carnage may never end. [Turns around to start walking again and finds himself face to face with a live lobster. Jumps back and lets out a girly scream]  
  
Scully: [giggling] Mulder, it's in a tank. That's what you get for walking right into the seafood section.  
  
[Lucky comes out of the back room in the seafood section, dressed in a supermarket uniform.]  
  
SupermarketWorker!Lucky : How can I help you?  
  
Scully: Did you see the murder happen earlier?  
  
SupermarketWorker!Lucky: [grabs Mulder and Scully and pulls them into the back room] I don't want to be overheard.  
  
Mulder: [excited] What do you know?  
  
SupermarketWorker!Lucky: You didn't hear this from me, okay? That woman wasn't killed by any *ordinary* rabbit.  
  
Mulder: [to Scully] I told you! I told you! It's the Easter Bunny!  
  
SupermarketWorker!Lucky: No, that's not it. Now, remember what the Distraught Mother said about a noise she heard.  
  
Scully: [confused] Clucking?  
  
SupermarketWorker!Lucky: That's what she *said*. But what she really heard was *bucking*.  
  
Scully: Aren't they the same thing?  
  
SupermarketWorker!Lucky: No. Chickens cluck. But only *one* animal says "buck." And that's our bunny friend. Nobody can replace him. Then there's what I know: the woman was killed because she *didn't* buy a Cadbury egg! She almost bought it...but she passed it over for peanut-buttery goodness. That's why the rabbit attacked! Do you understand now?  
  
[Scully looks confused. Mulder ponders for a moment, then a light bulb suspended from a string is held above his head by a techie.]  
  
Techie: [peeking into the camera] Hi Mom!  
  
Mulder: That's it! Come on, Scully! [grabs Scully by the arm and hauls her out of the store to their waiting car.]  
  
[Cut to commercial.]   
  
**********************************  
  
[Lucky, dressed in a biker outfit (yet still smelling faintly of seafood), comes out of a bar. She is breathing heavily, as if she had to hurry to do a costume change during such a short commercial break. She hops onto her Harley Davidson. Suddenly, the bunny attacks. Biker!Lucky screams and tries to fend it off. The techie squirts ketchup on her. Ketchup...I mean blood, fluff, and leather flies everywhere. When Biker!Lucky lies dead, the bunny hops onto the Harley Davidson and speeds off.]  
  
Bunny: Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck...  
  
[Cut to Mulder and Scully. They are sitting on the curb, laughing and eating McDonalds takeout. They obviously don't realize it's their scene.]  
  
Mulder: So then the duck says, "Just put it on my bill!" [laughs]  
  
Zephyr: [offstage] Are you going to sit around all day, or are we going to get some work done?  
  
[Mulder and Scully jump up and start driving down the road. Sort of. Their "car" is made out of cardboard, and "driving" consists of them walking along while holding it up.]  
  
Mulder: [under his breath] I hate low budget fics.  
  
[Their car screeches to a stop as they see the mangled body of Biker!Lucky lying on the curb. They jump out.]  
  
Mulder: Hey, isn't this the supermarket worker that...  
  
Scully: Shh! No it's not! Low budget, remember?  
  
Biker!Lucky: [looking up] Can you hurry up? I have to do another costume change.  
  
Mulder: Oh, right. [to Scully] This is the work of the bunny again! It has a vehicle now! Oh, the destruction! It's probably heading for the Nestle factory right now!  
  
Scully: [confused] Why?  
  
Mulder: It's the Cadbury bunny, Scully. Cadbury egg sales are down this year. If they don't go up, the bunny is out of a job! Who else wants a clucking, er, bucking bunny? So he's going to eliminate the competition!  
  
Scully: [gasps] We have to stop him! Her! It! Whatever!  
  
[They hop back in the car and drive off. Biker!Lucky runs off to change costumes before her next scene.]  
  
[Cut to the gate of the Nestle factory. Mulder and Scully pull up to the guardhouse and stop the car. The bunny has obviously been there already. The security guard lies dead, and ket- I mean, blood and fingernail clippings are strewn everywhere (the director was running out of stuff to strew everywhere.]  
  
Mulder: [leaning over the security guard] Hey, isn't that the supermarket worker/biker we saw earlier?  
  
Scully: [kicking Mulder in the leg] No, Mulder, it is *not*.  
  
Mulder: Then it's an alien hybrid of the exact same- [gets kicked again] Ow!  
  
[Mulder and Scully get back in their car and drive through the smashed gate towards the main plant. Dramatic kazoo music plays. DeadSecurityGuard!Lucky runs off to do her next costume change.]  
  
[Cut to commercial]  
  
**********************************  
  
[Mulder and Scully are inside the factory. It's dark (as it always is in dramatic, scary scenes), so they are carrying flashlights. As they walk down the dark corridor, there is a scream. They both run towards the sound. Mulder somehow manages to lose his flashlight in the process.]  
  
Zephyr: [offstage] Wait! We're not ready for the next scene yet.  
  
[Camera swivels to reveal Zephyr, who is trying desperately to clean the ketchup off of Lucky (who is dressed as a factory worker). She finally gives up and sends Lucky off to her next scene.]  
  
Zephyr: You can continue now.  
  
[Mulder and Scully burst into the room. The bunny has FactoryWorker!Lucky (who is still a little ketchupy) pinned up against a wall, and is about to attack.]  
  
Mulder: [drawing his gun] Freeze! We've got you now, bunny! Your days of crime are over!  
  
[The bunny lunges for Mulder. He drops his gun (gee, what a surprise!). He whacks the attacking bunny away, and it lands in a vat of chocolate. With a gurgle, the bunny disappears below the surface.]  
  
Scully: Mulder, are you okay?  
  
Mulder: I'm fine. But we'll never again turn on the TV to see the cute, little cluck- er, bucking face of the Cadbury bunny. He's gone, Scully. I've killed him.  
  
Scully: [laying a hand on his shoulder and speaking in a soft, comforting voice] Mulder, thanks to you, we'll never have to worry about a homicidal, chocolate-egg-laying bunny terrorizing the population. You did the country a great service.  
  
[They look deeply into each other's eyes. Mulder leans in, and they kiss passionately, wrapping their arms around each other. FactoryWorker!Lucky makes a face, covers her eyes, and edges her way out of the room.]  
  
Mulder: [ending the kiss] Do you really mean that, Scully?  
  
Scully: Of course I do, Mulder. [thinks for a minute] Just don't tell the Cadbury company. They might sue.  
  
[Fade to black.]  
  
[It is Easter morning. A little boy runs downstairs. He sees that his Easter basket is filled with candy and gives a shriek of delight. He grabs the first thing he sees, a chocolate bunny. He opens the box and removes the delicious confection.]  
  
Cute little innocent boy: Ooh yummy! [yelling loudly so his parents, who are still in bed, can hear] Mommy the Easter bunny brought me a chocolate rabbit!!  
  
Parents: [muffled curses] Go back to bed!  
  
[The boy's attention is drawn to his chocolate bunny, which is moving. He watches, transfixed, as it twists and turns, the chocolate flaking off to reveal a fluffy white bunny. He drops it in surprise. The bunny shakes the last of the chocolate from its fur and lunges at the boy.]  
  
Cute little innocent boy: [screaming] Mommy! Daddy! Help!  
  
[Ketchup flies everywhere. The bunny, having killed again, runs away.]  
  
Bunny: Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-buck...  
  
[Credits roll.]  
  
Producer: Zephyr  
Director: Zephyr  
Producer/Director's Coffee-Fetching Assistant: MulderClone #62,809  
Mulder: Mulder  
Scully: Scully  
Most of the parts in this fic: Lucky  
Bunny: The Cadbury Bunny  
Everyone else: A bunch of people who don't count  
  
**********************************  
Author's note:  
Never, EVER give me coffee before I write a fic. Will grovel pathetically for reviews.  



End file.
